If there is one thing that worries me concerning the podcast, it is that I am the weakest link. I’m told many good and bad things about myself as a host, and so I’m keenly aware of what some people think of me. I try very hard not to let it get to my head or to affect me if its negative, but sometimes past comments end up affecting my thoughts months later and I find myself thinking about it on my own. Those comments will usually pop up into my head and cause my anxieties to often build up and silence me at times even when I have something to say.
Its hard enough putting yourself out there. I sometimes have to talk to myself to block thoughts out and just not care and have fun. It works most of the time but there are other times when I am sitting there muting myself because I’m having a mini panic attack after I say something and wondering, “Did I make sense? I made sense, right? No, I went into a tangent. No one is answering. There is silence. Fuck. There is silence. I’m stupid. Fuck, I’m stupid. I’m so stupid. Jeez…”
It doesn’t help I do have a general anxiety disorder or really low self esteem. Which often leads to a drawn out conversation with my boyfriend about the truths about myself; what he thinks is true, what I think is true, and what really is true. I often need evidence of something before I finally settle down and go, “Oh. Yeah. Okay.” and then calm the fuck down. That boyfriend of mine? A saint. One has to be in order to talk to someone who routinely has to patiently listen to me and then talk me out of thinking so negatively about myself.
I suppose my anxieties don’t just apply to podcasting either. I also have insecurities about my writing as well. My boyfriend writes really well, and I often feel depressed whenever I read his work. He does so many things well, and I don’t do anything well at all (even as I write, I can’t even think of a single thing I do better than my boyfriend). Then again, I also think that every single person on Zantetsuken (both writers and podcasters) are leagues above me and I’m dirt. Yet I’m the supposed leader, and sometimes I have a hard time reconciling that with how I personally view myself. I once entertained the thought that maybe it was a huge joke, but then I realized that anyone would have gotten tired of it by now and would have surely moved on. Thankfully they haven’t. These are people I want to meet face to face one day. They are really awesome and great people that I admire and respect. Which should be given, considering how I place myself next to them.
But back to my anxieties: why write about it? Mostly to get it off my chest and out of my head. I think too much. I am often trapped in my own head, and often come up with a lot of stuff in any given day. I think about the podcast, the site, what I would like to do, what I can’t do, anatomy, physiology, nerves, tissues, muscles, bones, chemistry, stories, etc… and on top of that I think about what I am in very negative contexts that is quite self destructive. It is also something I feel that I need to get down into
the written typed words. I suppose doing this has also helped me realize that the ground under my feet is becoming more unstable. While I’m happy that the podcast is becoming more known… its also quite intimidating. Do I go on business as normal? Do I change? Do I leave and run away screaming and crying? Sometimes I think of those things too.
Or maybe the problem is that I think too much. Maybe I should just stop thinking. Or maybe I should just go to sleep. Yes, sleep…