Tag Archives: anxiety

A Long Overdue Update

I had been promising an update for a while, and while it will be brief… at least it will be something!

Life on Excablibur is actually better than I imagined it to be. Most of it has to do with the fact I have a pretty awesome set of LSes and friends on the server. Granted there are a smattering of people on other servers that I wish I could play with, but the majority of the people I am playing with are pretty damn awesome. Hell, even most of my DF parties aren’t that bad even though I tend to have anxiety attacks before queuing up into one.

My biggest fear as a player with limited play time is that I’m a.) horrible b.) under equipped and c.) uh… I’m horrible? Even though I can’t play often, I am sometimes obsessed with wanting to be a better skilled player to the point I end up freaking out and am unable to play for fear of being a disappointment to others and myself. I know this is strange coming from a person whose current job in life is to encourage others to fail, learn from them, and make it not seem bad at all. Yet when it comes to myself? The idea of failure seems utterly and completely catastrophic that sometimes I am paralyzed with this unreasonable fear that I will be abandoned, made fun of, and left alone with no friends. It is the sort of pressure that is self inflicted and unnecessary, and I often have to go through a process of talking myself out of such a toxic train of thought which leads to a mixed bag of results. After all, with my current IRL status, the game is really one of the few places I can just chill out and not freak out over everything that truly affects me in real life. Like… grades or my family.

In game progress is mostly focused on gearing in full Dark Light, getting my relic, using tomes of Mythology for a +1, and maybe making progress towards the Coil. The Coil actually seems like a pipe dream, to be quite honest. I’m too swamped with other things that I pretty much think of only taking one step at a time. Which is… okay… but it makes me feel restless. Sometimes I wish there was a system in place to give you rested bonus towards a slight increase of tomes. Ok, that would probably break the system and what not, but at the rate I’m going I feel like it would be quite some time before I am able to be where I want to be. Will people still want to help me? Or will they be too preoccupied with higher end content to want to bother? I’m sure they would, but me being a worry wart tends to put those thoughts into my mind. Oy…

Anxieties of a Podcaster

If there is one thing that worries me concerning the podcast, it is that I am the weakest link. I’m told many good and bad things about myself as a host, and so I’m keenly aware of what some people think of me. I try very hard not to let it get to my head or to affect me if its negative, but sometimes past comments end up affecting my thoughts months later and I find myself thinking about it on my own. Those comments will usually pop up into my head and cause my anxieties to often build up and silence me at times even when I have something to say.

Its hard enough putting yourself out there. I sometimes have to talk to myself to block thoughts out and just not care and have fun. It works most of the time but there are other times when I am sitting there muting myself because I’m having a mini panic attack after I say something and wondering, “Did I make sense? I made sense, right? No, I went into a tangent. No one is answering. There is silence. Fuck. There is silence. I’m stupid. Fuck, I’m stupid. I’m so stupid. Jeez…”

It doesn’t help I do have a general anxiety disorder or really low self esteem. Which often leads to a drawn out conversation with my boyfriend about the truths about myself; what he thinks is true, what I think is true, and what really is true. I often need evidence of something before I finally settle down and go, “Oh. Yeah. Okay.” and then calm the fuck down. That boyfriend of mine? A saint. One has to be in order to talk to someone who routinely has to patiently listen to me and then talk me out of thinking so negatively about myself.

I suppose my anxieties don’t just apply to podcasting either. I also have insecurities about my writing as well. My boyfriend writes really well, and I often feel depressed whenever I read his work. He does so many things well, and I don’t do anything well at all (even as I write, I can’t even think of a single thing I do better than my boyfriend). Then again, I also think that every single person on Zantetsuken (both writers and podcasters) are leagues above me and I’m dirt. Yet I’m the supposed leader, and sometimes I have a hard time reconciling that with how I personally view myself. I once entertained the thought that maybe it was a huge joke, but then I realized that anyone would have gotten tired of it by now and would have surely moved on. Thankfully they haven’t. These are people I want to meet face to face one day. They are really awesome and great people that I admire and respect. Which should be given, considering how I place myself next to them.

But back to my anxieties: why write about it? Mostly to get it off my chest and out of my head. I think too much. I am often trapped in my own head, and often come up with a lot of stuff in any given day. I think about the podcast, the site, what I would like to do, what I can’t do, anatomy, physiology, nerves, tissues, muscles, bones, chemistry, stories, etc… and on top of that I think about what I am in very negative contexts that is quite self destructive. It is also something I feel that I need to get down into the written typed words. I suppose doing this has also helped me realize that the ground under my feet is becoming more unstable. While I’m happy that the podcast is becoming more known… its also quite intimidating. Do I go on business as normal? Do I change? Do I leave and run away screaming and crying? Sometimes I think of those things too.

Or maybe the problem is that I think too much. Maybe I should just stop thinking. Or maybe I should just go to sleep. Yes, sleep…