Tag Archives: rambling

Party and Derp Finder Woes

The mindset of me, myself, and I has driven me crazy, but lately it seems to be more so within the context of FFXIV. I had noticed this problem before a friend talked to me of a situation with her problems as a healer. It is the same pretty much in any MMO; if shit goes down then its usually the healer’s fault. Sometimes the healer and the tank switch positions, but rarely is the blame placed on the DD (unless they do something really stupid). Though sometimes it IS a single person’s fault, people need to check themselves first before they accuse the healer of doing a shitty job. As a former healer, it is incredibly difficult to dodge AoEs, maintain HP of your allies, maintain your MP and enmity, and also maintain your own HP if you so happen to derp. What makes it worse is if the tank is taking too much damage because of either poor gear, has poor rotation, doesn’t use correct abilities, isn’t tanking in the right spot, etc. There is also the DD who can also be too under geared, has poor rotations, doesn’t move out of AoEs in time, etc. A healer can’t correct someone’s stupidity and even I get offended when someone pins the damn blame on the healers. On the flip side, a healer can’t blame everyone else if they are pulling too much enmity to throw the mob off and make shit go bonkers.

I see it as a triangle. An equilateral triangle (three equal sides, three equal angles, all at 60 degrees) is the perfect setup; healer, tank, and DD work cohesively and together to make things go smoothly. You can sometimes limp along well if you have an isosceles triangle (two equal sides, two equal angles), because you have at least two people trying to support the third one. All hell breaks lose, however, when you have a scalene triangle (nothing is equal) and you have maybe one party pulling the weight of two.

This is why the Duty Finder is sometimes very frustrating for me; a decked out WHM can’t expect a lesser geared tank to hold hate when they go nutso on the spells and abilities. Conversely, if the tank doesn’t know what abilities to stun and when or how to use Provoke… you can bet I’ll be wanting to fling curse words in your direction. And for the DD who don’t bother to make sure their gear is in check or who thinks their relic+1 automatically makes them awesome? Check your rotations, check your positioning, and for crying out loud please pop in some food into your mouth flap. Yes there are shouts that ask for relic only, but those are typically speed runs. For typical clears, the runs can be accomplished by having appropriate gear choices. Everyone starts from somewhere but if you’re pulling into the Keep with Item Level 39 gear, then you might need to assess what needs to be fixed and how. Gear can be cheap, and upgrades are a plenty if you go to Wanderer’s Palace before hitting up Amdapor Keep. It isn’t gear snobbery to expect appropriate gear or to at least get your head out of your damn ass; its being respectful to the other people who are also wasting their time and energy to get what people collectively need as a party.

The Innovation of Loneliness

The Innovation of Loneliness from Shimi Cohen on Vimeo.

I couldn’t help but find this interesting. I use social media a lot (primarily twitter), and I know that I worry and fret about putting my best foot forward. It made me think, too, of podcasts. People want highly polished material, and I get that because there are so many other things that people could potentially waste their time on and you want to grab and hold their attention. But I can’t help but wonder, do people expect this out of their relationships? To have purely polished surfaces that appeal to their senses?

I remember once reading a study that people nowadays are building relationships more based upon those with similar interests, thoughts, feelings, etc vs. those who may be different than they are and trying to find a way to get along with others. I can’t help but be reminded of that article when watching this video, and wondering if people just want to build their relationships based upon false pretenses. Which end up making us feel lonely anyway, because it goes back to the idea of quantity vs quality and the superficial idea of achievements.

I wonder then, how would one build quality relationships online? The social media sphere is changing how we handle relationships, but also making it possible for some people to actually build them when it may not otherwise be possible. The later applies to me in particular, since I can’t seem to be able to retain many friendships in real life. There is the other aspect of relationships that just bother me, and that is trying to maintain contact. I am the type of person that has a hard time striking up conversation unless it happens to be something I am really engaged in. I like to listen though, but… conversation is a two way street and I always feel like I fail in that area. Which is probably why I really enjoy the podcasts. It allows me to converse with people in a way that I feel safe and comfortable with, and then later on sit quietly and just be able to soak in everything around me. But… Its that later part that bugs me and wonders if I just fail at this whole thing and am destined to live with that lingering lonely feeling. Meh…

Changes Being Made

Although this isn’t site news for Calaera.me, per se, it is for SBXIV. I’m honestly tired. I am tired and worn out by the comments I read once in awhile regarding the cursing on the show. Because apparently, despite more XIV shows coming out, people MUST make comments about SBXIV and the amount of cursing going on. Which, I might add, is ridiculous considering it is:

1.) Marked Explicit or NSFW on iTunes and on the site.
2.) There are more XIV shows than there were months ago. Honestly its not that hard to click stop/pause and find something else more suitable to someone’s ears. It seems ridiculous to go complaining about it, when there are other options for people to choose from. That is also why there are different shows out there for people to watch. I am not the biggest fan of certain TV shows, but I won’t complain about the fact that a particular show doesn’t suit my tastes. That just seems pretty stupid.

There were several choices I was going to make…

The most drastic was to step back. Way back. Thank Frei for pointing out that there are people who surprisingly like me and what I do. But if I was considered to be a problem, it seemed reasonable for me to take myself out of the equation. But taking myself out of the equation then changes the entire tone of the show, and that was what concerned Frei and Orophen. Instead we agreed that we would either make a conscious effort to cull back the swearing or make edits to take it out. Honestly, I am pretty peeved about it. The shows were meant for friends to chill and talk about XIV in a way that was more entertaining than the boring straight talk some podcasts do. I get people like so called “professional” shows, and hey… that’s great. I don’t. I dislike em for many reasons, but I won’t berate someone for liking something I hate nor will I complain to those shows that they aren’t being what I want them to be. That’s why I went and made my own. Makes sense, right? If you want something done right, do it yourself!

But… the show is undoubtedly getting attention because of reddit, google, iTunes, or whatever. So I decided to we would soon begin to take down all of the old episodes and archive them somewhere. Which, honestly, is about time we do so anyway because the game is going to be new and different. It doesn’t make sense to have the old content up for people to easily grab and get a hold of. Though I know it really won’t do much in the long run, because people already have a set opinion of us. Which, honestly, suits me just fine. If they like something else, good for them. I won’t cry over it, because this isn’t a competition for me. I am just peeved (mostly at myself, because I get curious) when I read comments complaining about something like the swearing or the shit I say because it makes them “uncomfortable”. Don’t like it? Fine. Quietly back off and go find something else or make something suitable for your tastes and listen to it! But… whatever. I’m tired. I’m tired and frustrated and I really just want to yell and scream at people to shut the fuck up and back off. If it starts to become more work than play for me, I still stand by word of dropping everything. No regrets if it came to that, because it would be way better than building up resentment and anger over something that is supposed to be a fun project for those involved or want to participate and listen.

Anxieties of a Podcaster

If there is one thing that worries me concerning the podcast, it is that I am the weakest link. I’m told many good and bad things about myself as a host, and so I’m keenly aware of what some people think of me. I try very hard not to let it get to my head or to affect me if its negative, but sometimes past comments end up affecting my thoughts months later and I find myself thinking about it on my own. Those comments will usually pop up into my head and cause my anxieties to often build up and silence me at times even when I have something to say.

Its hard enough putting yourself out there. I sometimes have to talk to myself to block thoughts out and just not care and have fun. It works most of the time but there are other times when I am sitting there muting myself because I’m having a mini panic attack after I say something and wondering, “Did I make sense? I made sense, right? No, I went into a tangent. No one is answering. There is silence. Fuck. There is silence. I’m stupid. Fuck, I’m stupid. I’m so stupid. Jeez…”

It doesn’t help I do have a general anxiety disorder or really low self esteem. Which often leads to a drawn out conversation with my boyfriend about the truths about myself; what he thinks is true, what I think is true, and what really is true. I often need evidence of something before I finally settle down and go, “Oh. Yeah. Okay.” and then calm the fuck down. That boyfriend of mine? A saint. One has to be in order to talk to someone who routinely has to patiently listen to me and then talk me out of thinking so negatively about myself.

I suppose my anxieties don’t just apply to podcasting either. I also have insecurities about my writing as well. My boyfriend writes really well, and I often feel depressed whenever I read his work. He does so many things well, and I don’t do anything well at all (even as I write, I can’t even think of a single thing I do better than my boyfriend). Then again, I also think that every single person on Zantetsuken (both writers and podcasters) are leagues above me and I’m dirt. Yet I’m the supposed leader, and sometimes I have a hard time reconciling that with how I personally view myself. I once entertained the thought that maybe it was a huge joke, but then I realized that anyone would have gotten tired of it by now and would have surely moved on. Thankfully they haven’t. These are people I want to meet face to face one day. They are really awesome and great people that I admire and respect. Which should be given, considering how I place myself next to them.

But back to my anxieties: why write about it? Mostly to get it off my chest and out of my head. I think too much. I am often trapped in my own head, and often come up with a lot of stuff in any given day. I think about the podcast, the site, what I would like to do, what I can’t do, anatomy, physiology, nerves, tissues, muscles, bones, chemistry, stories, etc… and on top of that I think about what I am in very negative contexts that is quite self destructive. It is also something I feel that I need to get down into the written typed words. I suppose doing this has also helped me realize that the ground under my feet is becoming more unstable. While I’m happy that the podcast is becoming more known… its also quite intimidating. Do I go on business as normal? Do I change? Do I leave and run away screaming and crying? Sometimes I think of those things too.

Or maybe the problem is that I think too much. Maybe I should just stop thinking. Or maybe I should just go to sleep. Yes, sleep…